Ohio State has no chance

While everyone is arguing with friends, looking up stats, and religiously watching ESPN to make well thought out predictions for this year's NCAA tournament, I decided to look at the true heart and soul of any team to make my decision: their mascot.

This year, my bracket is decided solely on who would win in a to-the-death-cage-fight.

In the first round, there were a few clear wins (Cougar > Gator). And I've OBVIOUSLY done my research.

As a general rule, any human mascot will always be destroyed by nature's greatest animals (exception: Spider v Knight. sorry Richmond). UNLESS you have God, Satan, or magic on your side (So-Wake, Duke and Notre Dame get easy wins in Round 1).

The hard ones were the generally even-matched guys. Take Kansas-Lehigh. Jayhawk vs Mountain Hawk? How to decide? Well, I did my research. Apparently, the Jayhawk is a mythical bird (magic points) that combines a blue jay (an obnoxiously noisy creature) and a sparrow hawk (stealthy hunter). They warn me "not to turn my back on this bird." The mountain hawk should have listened. Kansas wins.

But what about the Clemson-Missouri game you ask? In a death match, would a cougar or tiger come out victorious? The only way I could decided was a recent reminder of dear old Tiger Woods and his escapade with a rather unattractive cougar mistress. The Cougar definitely came out with a W on that one and so does Clemson.

The notable upset in rank was the Maryland-Houston game. According to Wikipedia, the terrapin was once considered a delicacy to eat and was hunted almost to extinction. I can't respect an animal weak enough to almost become extinct. Houston wins.

The mascot upset goes to Syracuse. I know, you're immediate reaction is that you think I just couldn't bear to have a #1 team go down in the first round. But nay. Let's just stop and consider that cage fight: GIANT ORANGE vs a Wildcat? Clearly there's some voodoo going on to bring to life an orange (obvious magic points) and what would be a wildcat's weapon against the giant citrus machine of death? A wildcat doesn't stand a chance--they'd get a tiny bit of juice in their eyes and be done for.

Stay tunes for my completed bracket tomorrow. It's gonna rock your world.